What does depression feel like?

Sometimes it shows up unexpected.

Sometimes it appears out of nowhere.

All of the sudden there is this cloud over my head.

The cloud is visible to only me

and it’s effects are only felt by me as well.

As it starts to rain,

it causes tears to escape my eyes.

I have no control over these tears.

I feel cold and alone, regardless of where I am or who I’m with.

I feel unloved.  I feel ugly.  I feel worthless.  Useless.  Friendless.  Too fat.  Too  skinny.  Too pale.  My teeth are too crooked.  My eyes don’t match up properly.  I’m too slow.  I’m not smart enough.

A laundry list of imperfections materializes in my head.  I am silently attacking every fiber of my being.

I want to be with people, yet I want to be alone.  I remind myself that the people that I care about most are an ocean away.  Sometimes I just want a hug from my mother, or my best friend, or even him (though he doesn’t care about me anymore).

I feel that the longer I stay away the sooner people will forget me.  I wonder how long it will take for them to forget me completely.  How long until I return to Chicago to find I no longer have friends and I no longer belong.  I think about the one who recently left him.  I can no longer blame him.  The last time he saw me, he looked deep into my eyes for what seemed like hours.  He must have seen the truth.  I am not good enough for him.  I am not good enough for anyone.  I am not as kind as I’d like to be.  I am insecure.  I am imperfect.  I am no good.